Pregnancy after loss is like being on the longest and most intense roller coaster ride you’ve ever been on. You’re getting on the ride and you’re excited and nervous at the same time. As the ride progresses you continue to experience excitement and then also fear when you come to big drops, twists, and turns. You may even be praying the next drop doesn’t kill you, but in pregnancy, you’re praying your baby doesn’t die. You will reach a point you feel pretty safe, but until you reach the end, complete peace and excitement won’t overcome you and you pray you will reach the end and go home together.
Getting pregnant again took us nine months and a round of Clomiphene (Clomid). It was a discouraging journey because I felt God didn’t care about me, my desires, what I’d gone through and what I was continuing to go through. I also struggled with feelings of inadequacy that my body wasn’t working the way a woman’s body “should” work. In my mind, my body failed me once with the loss of our daughter and again with infertility.
Much to my great surprise, after a single round of Clomid I was pregnant. I thought for sure it would take at least a few rounds as it does for most women, but it didn’t. For the first time in months, I felt God was actually caring about me. I took three different pregnancy tests, some different types, just to confirm I was actually pregnant. After at least 30 negative pregnancy tests, seeing “Yes” and two pink lines was so amazing and I was bursting with excitement.
As time began to move forward I began feeling incredibly anxious. What if something happens to this baby too? What if its heart stops beating? Is this baby going to be okay? I tried to push out these thoughts because I didn’t want any anxiety I felt to negatively affect my pregnancy.
We went to Kicks n’ Giggles for our first ultrasound, too impatient to wait until I was almost 12 weeks along to see our baby and hear its heartbeat. Believe it or not, I wasn’t excited. I felt numb and while hearing a heartbeat is always such a miracle, I was afraid of forming an attachment with this little one and the last ultrasound we’d experienced our daughter’s heart was no longer beating. To deny there is a level of trauma with ultrasounds would be one of the biggest lies I could tell. And so, I was disconnected.
A couple of weeks later, while visiting my brother and sister-in-law, my sister-in-law told me she had a doppler she’d used during her last pregnancy. If I wanted to take it and use it for this pregnancy, I was free to. I jumped on that opportunity and took it. I watched a YouTube video teaching me how to use it so I could find our baby’s heartbeat. It took me about 20 minutes or so to figure it out and find it, but once I did I felt so much peace. I reached a point where I was checking for a heartbeat almost daily.
The day before our first visit with the OB I made sure to check the heartbeat. I didn’t want any surprises going to the doctor’s office the next morning. With the baby’s heart beating strongly, I went in much more relaxed than when we had gone to Kicks n’ Giggles, but still nervous. Just because I had found a strong heartbeat didn’t mean something couldn’t be wrong or something happened over night.
When my OB had me lay back to check the baby’s heartbeat and do an ultrasound I finally fell in love. Our baby was moving around like crazy. It took the OB a minute to properly capture the heartbeat because this baby was moving so much. We saw legs and arms and watched them move. We even watched our baby kick where my OB applied a little playful pressure with the doppler stick to get a reaction. The three of us were laughing so hard and it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. We never did have the chance to see Adlee move, which I think was a good thing because I wouldn’t have been able to find so much peace and comfort and even joy in watching our little wiggle worm move.
I left that appointment feeling love, hope, joy, excitement, uplifted, and just laughing. I couldn’t stop thinking about what we watched and experienced. This, of course, wasn’t the end of the anxiety, but it was a great start at making me feel more connected and excited about what is to come.
The weeks leading up to our 15 week anatomy ultrasound had me feeling a little anxious, but the doppler continued to remind me our baby was still there. Once again, before the appointment I checked our wiggle worm’s heartbeat, found some relief, and Anthony and I went to my appointment, where we also met my mom. With COVID restrictions easing up a bit, I was allowed to bring two additional people with me. This visit my mom and Anthony came with me.
When we got to the room I had flashbacks of our last time there. You see, these types of ultrasounds happen in a different area of the hospital than where I go for my regular appointments and it was in this area our hearts were shattered. I was anxious but trying to feel calm because I had just listened to our baby’s heartbeat. This appointment would tell us if our baby is healthy and if amniotic bands are present in the pregnancy.
As the nurse placed the probe on my belly I saw instant movement. When I tell you this baby is a wiggle worm, I mean it! This baby moves and I love it. From the movement alone I was able to relax. The nurse went through the same thing as our OB in trying to measure our baby’s heart rate. She said something like, “If this baby holds still I can get the heart rate.” Obviously at 15 weeks everything is still very small, but we saw perfectly forming fingers, toes, arms, legs, heart, brain, etc. We also watched our baby yawn, hiccup, and swallow. Oh my heart! How obsessed I am with this little one.
When the nurse finished, the high risk doctor came in and said it looks like we have a perfectly healthy baby growing inside me. They will check all the organs and such at my 20 week ultrasound, but at that point, there seemed to be no reason for concern. I felt so comforted and reassured.
Since then, I’ve only checked the heartbeat a handful of times. For the last three or so weeks I have felt our baby move almost daily. This movement has become my new source of comfort. Baby is just as much a wiggle worm as ever. Although not frequent yet, I’ve even felt some movement from the outside. Anthony has yet to catch it at the right time as our baby’s movements are pretty unpredictable.
With that said, last Thursday had me feeling so anxious. I had a nightmare about losing our baby the previous night and then Anthony texted me asking if the baby and I were okay. He too had a nightmare during one of his naps that day (he’s been recovering from a tonsillectomy). I told him as far as I knew we were both good, that I had felt the baby all day the previous day, but I had yet to feel the baby that day. I didn’t have my doppler since I was at work and so I was just anxious.
I eventually realized I had hit 19 weeks and even though we didn’t find out Adlee was gone until I was almost 21 weeks, it was right around 19 weeks she had passed. I contributed our nightmares to our subconscious realizing this and presenting itself in the nightmares we’d experienced. That evening I began to feel movement again and have felt it since, but small levels of anxiety will still find ways to creep themselves in.
This Thursday, May 27th we go back in for my 20-week anatomy ultrasound. My dad will join us this time and we are so very excited. I am of course nervous too because it was at this appointment we learned Adlee was gone. While I don’t believe this baby will be gone, I am still anxious to know our baby is 100% healthy and growing properly.
Pregnancy after loss is an emotional rollercoaster. Positivity and holding on to faith and hope, along with kicks, punches, rolls, and more are all what get me through it. I don’t know yet if there will ever be a time during my pregnancy I feel total peace. Truth is, anything really could happen at any time… there wouldn’t even have to be a reason. Until this baby is in my arms and in our home, I’m not sure peace in its entirety will come and so I hold onto faith, hope, and pray every day we will have a happy, healthy baby and a successful yet uneventful delivery.
