Here I am at almost 4:00am on Christmas morning and it’s finally setting in … the fact that today would’ve been my daughter’s first Christmas.
Yes, she would’ve only been four months old if carried full-term, but I still would’ve had so much fun buying her cute outfits and making her little stuffed animals, booties, hats, and blankets. Additionally, she would’ve been here to hear her first Christmas letter (a family tradition to write a letter to each of your children every Christmas). And, instead of her letter being written in a somber and longing tone, it most likely would’ve been filled with joy and some of my favorite things about her.
I’m not going to sit here and say, “It’s not fair” because what about life ever is? I’m not going to pretend that it doesn’t kill me to know there are so many parents who take their children for granted or who have a complete and udder disregard for their children and their responsibility to love and care for them. It honestly infuriates me because those parents have no clue how blessed and lucky they are. Shame on them.
This Christmas, I have made Adlee stockings and have tried to incorporate her into our Christmas. I wrote her this Christmas letter and as it’s read later this morning, I hope somehow she will be here to listen.
12/25/20
Dear Adlee,
Today would have been your first Christmas with us. Instead, I imagine you’re spending today, much like every day. I imagine you’re with Christ, your Uncle Tre, and many other family members.
We have officially passed a year of learning I was pregnant with you, and we are coming up on a year of losing you. I will say you left us almost as fast as you came and it broke my mama heart to be forced to let you go. I’m not sure it will ever stop hurting because I miss and love you more than you can ever know at this time. My feelings of love and longing often find themselves overflowing through the tears in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.
Adlee, your life has brought me the most exquisite joy while also some of the most exquisite pain, a pain that is only slightly dulled with my knowledge of eternal families and the Resurrection and Life of Jesus Christ.
This year has been one of the hardest battles I’ve ever fought and I wish I could say I know it will get easier, but life is full of battles because war is raging around us. I have learned what is important is how we fight those battles. What truly matters is desiring to have our hearts aligned with God’s will.
There is a reason for everything, even when that reason is unknown or cannot be fully understood or comprehended. Remembering who you are, not who you wish you were or who you hope to be, in those times becomes crucial. Sometimes we need reminders as to who we are or what that means or looks like for ourselves, but when you find it, hold onto it.
I love you and I hope you can feel my love. I wish I knew when we will be together again, but there is no way for either of us to know that. Please know your father and I are working hard to be an eternal family so we may all be reunited at the end of all things.
Merry Christmas baby girl.
With love,
Mom
