I don’t think I ever had people more interested in my life and what I’m doing than I did following my divorce earlier this year. I think it’s everyone’s natural reaction to be concerned about the emotional and mental well-being of someone in my situation. There was also probably a level of curiosity, which I don’t blame anyone for having. I will say that answering that question wasn’t always easy, especially because there were so many times I didn’t know myself. How could I? I didn’t believe in myself. I was a ghastly ball of insecurity. I often smiled and spoke as confidently as I could about my current plans and situation… which honestly changed a lot.
Following my graduation in April, I moved back home to figure out my life and to help myself heal. I needed to be surrounded by people I loved, who loved me, and that I could feel safe with. I had every intention of procuring a job as a graphic designer or photographer and eventually making some great money with that.
I did get a job where I was in charge of graphic design and photography and social media marketing for the company. I traveled a lot to Idaho Falls for it and also worked from home a lot. Every person’s dream, right? Maybe true … for a stable person, but that wasn’t me during that period of my life. I was getting depressed … really depressed. I reached an all-time-low and knew I needed a change.
With a growing love and interest in the medical field, I decided that would be a great way to go. I would have to do more school, but I’d get to work with people, serve people, improve my mind, grow in greater ways, and I would eventually make some really great money. I would be able to fully support myself as a single woman and eventually fulfill all my dreams as a traveler.
At this point, I had lost my dream of becoming a professional photographer. I let go of the idea of dating, marriage, and building a family. This wasn’t going to be in the cards for me and it just wasn’t meant to be. I couldn’t believe any of those things could actually work for me.
I talked to a few people, quit my job, and did a two-week CNA certification course to start getting experience and working in the medical field. I decided I would get my nursing degree. I would get some prereqs out of the way at SLCC, get my bachelor’s at another school, and then eventually get my masters. I started working at Intermountain Medical Center in the Heart and Lung Unit. I loved every minute of it. The hours would be pretty grueling at times, but it was all just part of the job.
As I started working I realized that because I already have a Bachelor’s degree I could actually jump straight to a Masters and become a Physician’s Assistant. This would be less schooling in the long run and I would make even more money. I would also get my hands in places that I wouldn’t be able to as a Nurse. It felt much more exciting. When people asked me what my plans were, I started telling them I was working to become a PA. I became very career-minded.
About a month later something kind of snapped in me. I guess you could say I started believing in myself. I realized that I did want to date. I did want to get married. I did want a family. And last but not least, I still wanted to be a professional photographer. These dreams may have been lost in a forgotten world for a time, but never lost.
With this realization, I knew I needed to change my plans. I couldn’t keep working as a CNA. The required weekends and night shifts were making it almost impossible to get bookings for photography. Additionally, it was making it impossible to date. I decided to again quit my job and got a new job at a dental office where I work 30 hours a week, enough to get benefits. I don’t have to work weekends, I have Thursday’s off, and I only have to work until close on Monday’s and Tuesday’s, leaving so many options for bookings until photography takes off enough to where that’s what I’m doing full-time.
I couldn’t pursue the medical field because it wouldn’t leave time for dating and meeting new people. I needed to show God that marriage and family were my number one priority. And so, with the refocus on my priorities and dreams I quickly saw the blessings come pouring in.
The first blessing I saw was with photography. I have had double if not triple the bookings each month compared to previous months and it just keeps growing, which I am SO thankful for. The next blessing I received has been my greatest blessing of all … Anthony and I found each other. I expect in time the Lord will bless both of us with that third and final blessing, a family.
This is a journey I don’t regret. It’s a journey I am grateful for. I am grateful for each experience. I gained the confidence I needed, the confidence I was so lacking in, in order to believe in myself. When life feels like chaos, ask yourself, “Do I believe in myself?” If you don’t, then that’s probably where your problem lies. Believe in yourself. It’s what will make your dreams come alive and you will finally find the peace and joy you’re searching for.
I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself. I believe in myself.
Do you believe in yourself?
