A couple of months ago I received a message from a “friend”, we’ll call him Andy. We were more than acquaintances, but our friendship was very surface level and frankly, only existed because he was friends with my ex-husband. In his message, after congratulating me on my recent marriage, he proceeded to request that I not write any more about my story in regards to my divorce. It was something special. Take a look at the highlights …
I love [your ex-husband] and consider him my good friend and those posts don’t give a good impression of him… I’m friends with both of you and he hasn’t said anything negative about you on his Facebook page. It’s good to express your feelings about all of this, but maybe in a more private setting or just not using names and pointing out specifics? Like I didn’t want to know that [he] had an addiction to pornography, and I don’t think he would like anyone to know that, just like you wouldn’t want anyone to know about your flaws, Especially for hundreds to know on social media. But I just want to protect [your ex], the good he has, and the belief that he can change.
“It’s good to express your feelings about all of this, but maybe in a more private setting or just not using names and pointing out specifics?”
Well, Andy, I have a few words and thoughts for you and anyone else who tries to silence women like my “friend” Andy. I’m happy for you, that you can consider him a good friend to you and yeah, maybe to people who know him it doesn’t give a good impression of him. Do you want to know what the sad truth is? I gave the facts and shared my story and I’m not going to apologize or say sorry because you have a problem with that. I would do it again because sharing my story and speaking out instead of being a victim has helped so many other men and especially women.
So no, I won’t stop and someday, I’ll write a book and give motivational and inspirational speeches all about my journey and to experience my journey, they have to know what happened. And for other men and women not to feel alone and to feel empowered, they need to hear my story… the specifics. I also haven’t used names and if names have been used, they’ve been first names, so unless you knew me when I was married to your friend, you’re not going to have a clue who he is. There are so many people in the world who want people like me to keep their experiences all private and behind closed doors. They want us to stand speechless. It’s too personal or “unfair” to the other party. I’ll tell you what’s unfair, life is unfair. Nothing is ever fair, but I get to choose how to take it. I get to choose whether or not I have the courage to speak out, and guess what? I do and did.
“I’m friends with both of you and he hasn’t said anything negative about you on his Facebook page.”
I don’t talk with him. I haven’t since at least April and even though, our correspondence was through email. So I have no idea what he says or doesn’t say about me, but I don’t care. He said it all and way more to his parents and even my parents and you know what it was? Lies. It’s hard to lie on a public platform because someone is going to call you out. But if you think that what he is or isn’t doing is going to have any kind of influence on me, you’ve told yourself a really great joke.
Knowing him and his parents and how they like to “save face” and have to give off a perfect facade, I very highly doubt he’s said anything negative about me on his FaceBook page. I imagine it would also be hard to do when you were the one screwing around and destroying your marriage. It sucks. I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. And let me clarify something, I haven’t been going around sharing “negative” things about my ex-husband. What happened was destructive and the truth hurts and can be hard to swallow. We don’t ever want to believe our friend, sibling, child, spouse, or role model is capable of something so wrong and even evil … but let’s face it. No one is perfect and you can’t deny the facts.
“I didn’t want to know that [he] had an addiction to pornography, and I don’t think he would like anyone to know that, just like you wouldn’t want anyone to know about your flaws, Especially for hundreds to know on social media.”
You said you didn’t want to know he had a pornography addiction. Well, you know what that says about you? It says that you don’t care about your friend enough to know that he does struggle. You must not care that he is in desperate need of help. To me, it also says you view him differently, which is your problem, not mine. I only ever saw him as a man struggling, allowing himself to be deceived and engulfed in sin and pain. He was a man I was willing to struggle with to get through this, but it wasn’t to be. So you bet your bottom dollar that that is what changed my view of him. His willingness to deceive, lie, give up, give in, walk out, and go crawling back to mommy and daddy. So shame on you. Shame on you for not caring enough.
It makes me laugh to read you say that I wouldn’t want anyone to know about my flaws because guess what? I have made everything about me very public and will continue to do so.
“I just want to protect [your ex], the good he has, and the belief that he can change.”
You want to protect your friend? Then protect him from pornography and the evils of the world. You believe he can change? Then stop viewing him as someone less because of his weaknesses and prove to him that you believe he can change. I believed it too, and I still do. I have not condemned him and he has been forgiven, but I’m not going to stand silent.
My song to you and anyone else who tries to silence those who have been in pain, abusive relationships, and emotionally, mentally, and maybe even physically locked away comes from a beloved movie, Aladdin.
