“I’m going to go get the doctor because I have some concerns.”
My first thought, “Okay, there must be something wrong with the way the baby is developing.”
Nothing could’ve prepared my excited mama heart for what she would say next…
“I’m not seeing a heartbeat.”
Silence.
This was my biggest fear, a fear I’ve had my whole life, even greater than my fear of not being able to conceive. I look at my husband, trying to hold back the tears. The nurse leaves and the flood gates open. I feel so hurt and confused and am hoping that somehow, the nurse just didn’t know what she was doing. I ask Anthony to say a prayer and soon after it ends, the doctor walks in.
He introduces himself, asks if I have experienced any bleeding or cramping (which I hadn’t), and sits down to tell us he’s going to take a look to see if he can see what happened to cause the baby to die. As he looks he tells us what he’s seeing …
“It looks like a small piece of skin is detached from the area where the neck and head meet. There is also some fluid in the lungs.”
I am in shock and disbelief, but there is more.
“Your baby is measuring around 17 weeks, which means your baby died almost three weeks ago.”
Three weeks ago?! My baby died three weeks ago?! You’re telling me that if it weren’t for COVID-19 protocol deeming my prenatal appointment “unnecessary” three weeks ago, I would’ve known that much sooner that my baby had died? And though unlikely, maybe, just maybe, something could’ve been done to save the baby?
At this point, I can’t remember whether or not I am sobbing or if I’m holding it fairly together until the doctor leaves. Honestly, I think I just go numb while listening to the doctor. He tries to see the gender, but the baby’s legs are in the way, leaving the baby’s gender a mystery for now.
Talk about a whirlwind of emotions. We started our day so excited to learn our baby’s gender, hear its heartbeat, and get some more ultrasound pictures and instead learn our baby died three weeks ago and now I have three “delivery” options:
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Go to labor and delivery right now to deliver the baby.
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Wait a couple of days for induction to deliver the baby.
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Get a D&C. (For those who don’t know what this is, it’s essentially, an abortion procedure. The baby comes out in pieces… however, the baby is already dead and therefore as the mother, you wouldn’t be killing your child.)
My husband and I didn’t feel comfortable with immediate delivery or a D&C, so we opted to wait a couple of days to properly process and prepare for my induction. We finally left the hospital and drove to my parents’ house. On our way over I called my dad to tell them the news. I knew they needed a heads-up. Our arrival was supposed to mean a fun little gender-reveal Easter egg hunt. Instead, it was to mourn our newly discovered loss together.
There were many tears shed by us all. Everyone’s hearts were broken and a lot of people have wondered and even asked me, “Why you? Haven’t you been through enough already?”
While I wish there was such a thing, I know that God allows us to experience these trials to refine and purify us and to bring us closer to Him. I don’t blame God and I’m not mad at Him. I haven’t found myself asking, “Why me?” Instead, I sometimes wonder why I have to be so strong, but I am grateful for the trust the Lord has in me.
My dad and brother gave my sweet husband a Priesthood blessing and then my husband, with the support of my dad and brother, gave me a blessing. The Spirit was so strong and in that blessing, I was told that my baby is with God, that our baby is in fact in the arms of God. I was told of our baby’s love for me and reminded that through Christ, all little children are saved and we will be together again. Oh, how I needed that blessing and the words of that blessing continue to provide me strength and comfort during this difficult time.
Later that Thursday evening, we drove home and as we were getting ready for bed I broke down again. I was literally sobbing. The pain was so heavy. We will never know what our baby was going to look like. Our excitement from wondering what texture hair the baby would have and how light or dark the skin would be will now never be known. All those times I imagined what it would be like to hold and see our baby for the first time will never be. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind and weighing heavily on my heart. My sweet sweet husband held me and comforted me. He prayed for us and we fell asleep while watching a movie to allow my mind to be distracted enough for me to sleep. I’ve still had a lot of rough moments, but nothing as bad as that night … yet anyway.
I never thought this would happen. I had an otherwise very healthy and normal pregnancy. I guess I became the 1 in 4 miscarriage statistic in my family that you hear about. I now live in fear. I fear what future pregnancies may hold. I will be constantly worried about the viability of every future pregnancy. I wonder if this will end up being my lot in life. I wonder how much heartbreak I will have to bear because the Lord knows I will bear it all with a faithful heart. I don’t blame myself and I know there is nothing I could’ve done differently. I know that most of the time, these cases are unexplainable, but I believe they are. God needed His son or daughter home because they are too perfect and pure for this world.
If I’m being totally honest, this pain is much easier to bear than that of divorce. Divorce means an end to something that was already terrible. You are only reminded of the pain and it’s true when they say it’s worse than losing a loved one. It is only because of my testimony and knowledge of God’s plan and eternal families that my pain becomes bittersweet. I know this is not the end. I know I will be with my husband and child and any future children again, forever, in God’s kingdom.
Tonight, I went to the hospital to be given a medication called Mifepristone. The job of this medication is to stop the production of progesterone to then allow my body to properly react to the actual induction medicine tomorrow. We did have them do one more ultrasound to provide peace of mind to those requiring it and there, of course, was no heartbeat. When I get called in tomorrow evening for the induction, they will administer the induction medicine vaginally and will give me a heavy epidural dosage. This will keep me from pushing so that hopefully, my body will push out the baby and placenta whole and on its own. I will be allowed to have my husband there and as many visitors as I want, within reason.
I am nervous for tomorrow as I am being induced. I know nothing can truly prepare me for that experience. All I can do is continue to rely on the Lord and allow myself to continue to grieve and feel it all. I will do my best to just be grateful.
I am truly grateful for everyone who has made contributions through the “GoFundMe” my sister created to help cover all the costs we are incurring. No one ever plans to bury their child or to build savings for the potential death of their child. We are so grateful for the many ways people have reached out and helped us. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude. I know the Lord will bless you.
