Over the last seven months or so I’ve done a lot of searching, reflecting, pondering, growing, stretching, etc. You get the picture. I’ve thought a lot about what I want my future to be like and how I can plan for it.
If there is one thing I am sure of, there is nothing “sure” about my future. The only thing that’s sure is the Lord and my faith in Him. I also have what’s in the sphere of my control, like my education, goals for self-betterment, bucket lists, and a career. While I remain optimistic (because I don’t believe in living life any other way), anything related to marriage and family is entirely uncertain and isn’t something I can count on.
Sure, I am “young” and there are “a lot of fish in the sea”, but that doesn’t guarantee anything as I’m looking to fish real deep and the truly valuable fish are hard to find. I continue to cast my line in and while fish bite, they’re too small to keep, so I toss them back in. It is quite the game of patience and can be quite discouraging, but as I said, I do my best to remain optimistic.
Why do I remain optimistic? Why not just give up? You’re right to wonder and ask because I’ve asked myself the same thing. The truth is, I have a dream, but it’s not any dream. This dream is bigger than me and it’s one I can’t accomplish on my own. In fact, it’s my greatest dream and it takes two: male and female. Can you guess what it is?
My greatest dream in the whole wide world is to have a family of my own, with a husband, and together we will return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. There is nothing I want more in this world than to marry a worthy Priesthood holder in the Temple of the Lord and build a home and family with him. I want this so badly that I have spent days and nights crying because I have often felt denied this precious gift.
I have watched other women give up their opportunities for motherhood. I have seen others dismiss their responsibility as a mother. I have stood by as friends mess around with their boyfriends and find themselves pregnant, and it has all hurt my heart. Here I am, trying to do it right, and they get to have kids? How is this fair?
Truth is, life isn’t fair and I know God has a plan and purpose for me. On the other hand, I have watched so many others do it the right way and are blessed with little ones. My heart rejoices for them, but there’s still a little pain because I can’t help but wish that little life was mine.
I know this is not a pain unique to me. There are countless women who have felt the same way, and perhaps for different reasons. To you I say, you are not alone. God has a plan for you too. I know it’s not what we want to hear, but it’s the truth and what we have to hold onto.
A few weeks ago my family went and visited my brother, sister-in-law, and nephew. You can ask anyone, I love to be baby hog if I get the chance. I can’t get enough of their sweet smiles, little coos, and sleeping faces. During this last visit I got to hold my nephew for quite some time. He was awake and I was taking in all his smiles, coos, and sweet eyes. Looking into his eyes was like staring purity in the face, literally a gift sent straight from heaven. The look on his face was the definition of joy. I haven’t ever felt anything like it and my eyes began to water as I was overcome with love for him.
This life has so much to offer and while I can find joy, peace, fulfillment, and satisfaction with only me and the Lord, I don’t believe I can fulfill my ultimate potential: to be a wife and mother. In my eyes, there is no greater calling, no greater love, and no greater sacrifice than that of being a mother and to do so in a partnership with a husband.
Yes, my greatest dream is to be a mom. It always has been and always will be. Someday, I know the Lord will bless my righteous desires, whether in this life or the next, and I will cling to this dream forever. I have to trust Heavenly Father and that He knows what He’s doing. He knows my heart and one day, He will grant me my greatest dream.
