This was the last personal email I sent my ex, “Casey” on March 8, 2019. There were still a lot of divorce logistics that were discussed after this. My narrative still hasn’t changed and it never will.
“I can’t sleep knowing you’re only a few doors down from me. I’ve been trying to fall asleep for the last 3+ hours, but my stomach is in knots and making me feel nauseous. It has been all day. My mind is spinning with all the things I wish I could say, the things I deserved as your wife, the decisions and discussions you never should’ve had or made without me. Call it controlling. Call it abuse. Call it entitlement. I call it respect. I call it real love. I call it truth. I call it priorities. God calls it doctrine. If you had talked to bishop again, he would’ve told you the same things. You can keep lying to yourself, to your parents, to your family and friends. You can lie to your bishops and counselors, but I know the truth and so does God. The day you’re finally honest with yourself and everyone around you will be the day you will finally conquer and change and be the man God intends you to be, and the man I needed you to be and fought for you to be.
“Love is not proud. Love does not boast. Love, after all, matters the most. Love does not run. Love does not hide. Love does not keep locked inside. Love is the river that flows through. Love never fails you.”
I may not have loved you perfectly, but I loved you as perfectly as I knew how, and I made constant efforts. I already made my one and only apology, so I won’t again and I won’t make excuses in that regard. Ignorance was my weakness. But you, you ran. You hid. You lied. You betrayed. You were too proud to own your faults. You let fear get the best of you. Your love failed you and with it me. We failed because we were treating symptoms when there was a deadly disease we needed to treat. All the pieces weren’t known until you and your parents decided it was too late. Which, by the way, they had no right and no place to make. They had no right to revelation for you or us. It was out of their jurisdiction. It’s in the church handbook, I would’ve thought your dad would know and honor that. I am disappointed in you. I am disappointed in your parents. You may have convinced them and many others with your lies that I’m abusive and exercised unrighteous dominion, but I can guarantee you left out what you said or did or threatened first because that’s what you did to my dad. I read your texts to him and he read ours straight from my phone and he learned the truth. Remember that apology my dad gave me in the basement? That he was sorry he didn’t believe me or trust me? It’s because you are an expert liar. Your selectiveness in your stories leaves out what you’ve said or done and makes me look like a monster. Like the time you threatened to go to Utah without me if I didn’t table our fight when all I wanted was to resolve it before going to Utah. I told you that if only one of us was going to go then it’d be me, she was my sister. Of course, you left your threat out when you texted my dad and instead only sent him what I responded to your threat and then you went on complaining about me, how you’re sick of me, you’re so done, and that my health problems are never-ending and you just can’t handle it anymore. If you had been honest with and loved yourself, me, your parents, my parents, the bishop, your counselor, and God, this never would’ve happened. Marriage isn’t easy for anyone and behaviors you so disgusted happen in Tyler and Meredith’s marriage and I guarantee they happened in your parents’ marriage along with many other’s. Your unrealistic expectations of perfection and unwillingness to truly commit is what killed us.
Remember how one of the last things you told me was that you’d never put me before your family? I hope for another girl’s sake you realize how insanely wrong that is, that you don’t repeat this cycle or behavior, that you really figure out your life and how to be independent of your parents and your various addictions before you remarry. That you learn not to run when life gets hard, that you learn to give and receive real love. She doesn’t deserve that. But if you do remarry and don’t fix yourself, you are doomed to repeat this cycle. If that ends up being the case, I hope that she will be strong enough to stand up for herself and up to you, that your modes of physical intimidation, threats of divorce and running away, lack of honesty and the ability to forgive and let go, lack of privacy from parents, your unrealistic expectations, and your belittling words won’t have power over her. I won’t have any way of knowing if you’ve changed, except that the day you are truly repentant, I’ll know because you’ll owe me one hell of an apology. I truly hope for the best for you.
I’m sorry if my words are sharp, but I had to say the truth, even if you don’t believe it now, even if it makes you and your parents angry, even if it makes you feel even more justified in your and your parents’ decision to leave me. I don’t care. I care that someday, you succeed (and always did) and that requires my unfailing honesty. I hope you will own up to your mistakes someday. Ownership is HUGE in change. It requires vulnerability and honesty with one’s self, which will lead to honesty with others. I hope you’ll read “Real Love”. I know my dad recommended it to you and that it’ll help you. It’s even helped me. It’s what inspired my apology.
There was so much I learned from you and from being married to you. Conscious or not, applied by you or not, you taught me to be vulnerable and open. You taught me it’s okay to have and show emotion. Your history with girls and addictions taught me a lot about forgiveness. You told me to find beauty in myself. It took time, but I finally have. You taught me to have confidence. You encouraged me to see myself for who I am. You made me aware of many weaknesses. I learned patience and compassion in ways I never knew possible.
I’ve said all there is left for me to say. Don’t bother responding, I’ll just delete it without reading it if you do because you have nothing you could possibly have that’s worth saying to me at this point.
Now that I’ve been trying to sleep for 4+ hours, I close my final words to you.
I have faith and great hopes in my future. I know who I am. I know my God and His goodness. I know He has a plan for me. My future is bright and I’m excited for what lies ahead. That’s the only way to handle this bleak situation. He has only made me stronger, braver, and truer. My testimony in Him and Jesus Christ and his atonement has never been more alive. His power is real and very present in my life. God is taking care of me. He is good. He loves me. I love me. I am beautiful and strong. I am divine. I am talented, loving, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, fun, funny, bold, open, honest, and perfectly imperfect. I love me. I love who I am. I love who I am becoming. I am truly happy, as I always have been because I create my happiness, I don’t get it from others. While these lessons didn’t have to be learned this way, it’s what’s happened, and so I am choosing to be grateful for all I am learning and all I’m becoming. My struggles will only make me stronger and prepare me for other hard times and will give me the opportunity to lift and strengthen others. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father. My testimony is firm and I am steadfast and immovable. The Lord is making weak things strong unto me. While I do not understand His will in all things, I know His promises are sure. There is power in truth and righteousness. There is power in Christ. “For when there’s no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ.” I know that’s true with every fiber of my being.
Farewell,
Analee Bekmezian”
