How do I feel? RAW… Real. Affected. Weak.
It was one week after some devastating secrets about my ex came to light that he decided to leave. When he left, I had no idea what was going on. I was scared, hurt, confused, and while I was standing in Walgreens to find some face wash I received what would be the most life-changing text. It was a text that literally crushed my heart and world…
“Analee, I am leaving you. After much fasting and prayer and in consultation with a clinical PhD my family trusts, I came to understand that we have irreconcilable differences. I have secured ½ of our savings to another location to ensure my financial needs are met. You may continue to use my car for now. I will not be living in our apartment. I will contact you with more details in a week. Until then, I will not be communicating with you.
‘Casey’”
I finally convinced him to call me that night. I was BEGGING him not to do this. All I remember was hearing him say he and his mom (like she gets a say in our marriage) felt it was right, that we’ve got irreconcilable differences, and that we can’t make each other happy. Then I remember his parents telling him to get off the phone because they fully supported and even helped him carry out his plan to leave me. I had given my all to our marriage, but he and his family gave their all to get out.
What Elder Oaks has said about divorce could not be truer. Here’s what sticks out to me:
“There are many good Church members who have been divorced. I speak first to them. We know that many of you are innocent victims—members whose former spouses persistently betrayed sacred covenants or abandoned or refused to perform marriage responsibilities for an extended period. Members who have experienced such abuse have firsthand knowledge of circumstances worse than divorce…
…Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation but reformation. Divorce is not an all-purpose solution, and it often creates long-term heartache.”
My divorce was not due to incompatibility as claimed and was so clearly written on our divorce papers, but rather it was due to the selfishness of my ex. I kept my covenants while he betrayed his. As Elder Oaks mentioned, people like me know of a pain and an abuse that goes even deeper than a divorce.
After he left, my ex’s father sent a very disturbing threat to my dad:
“We have text messages, recordings and our own observations with Analee directly giving ample evidence that considerable demeaning, unrighteous dominion has happened from Analee to ‘Casey’ over the last year. Emotional abuse has been real. And so has physical abuse.”
I couldn’t (and honestly still can’t) believe what I was reading. Proof?! Proof of what? That I’m capable of physical abuse to a 6ft guy who weighs 195-200lbs?! A guy who is significantly stronger than me? I mean, have you seen me? Lol
This was a guy who blocked me in corners, pushed me, tripped me, gave me bruises a couple of times, and would hold me and force me into conversations and situations I didn’t want to be in. Of course I tried to fight and push my way out, I was the one being abused! I was the one constantly being called names and into question. I was the one who was constantly put down both in the home and to family. I was the one who experienced anxiety attacks (something I had no prior history of) each time he threatened to leave me. I was the one who was seen as an object. I was a casualty in his serious porn addiction and mountains of lies.
Was I perfect? No. Did I react when I didn’t need to? Yes, but so does everyone and you learn to forgive and be better. But was I a source of abuse? No, not ever. Did I try my best to serve, love, reach out, support, etc.? Absolutely. If I had something to be ashamed of or hide, I would never be sharing this or dare to share the false accusations of my ex’s father. Truth is, I have nothing to hide.
Elder Oaks spoke of long-term heartache. Let me tell you that it’s REAL. I was AFFECTED. Now, I feel WEAK. Mine still hasn’t gone away. I hurt every day. Some days are more raw and tender than others. I’ve been left with so much doubt and confusion, so many questions. There are days I feel numb to the world. What happened kills me, even though I know I’m better off without him. Each day is a fight and the thought of dating and having to trust again is terrifying and definitely something I’m not ready for.
Someday, I’ll be fully healed and I know it will be through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. One day, the aching in my heart will stop. But for now, I do my best to look outwards to the needs of others in hopes I can forget myself and my problems. The Savior was a perfect example of looking outwards and I hope that someday, I can be like him.
https://youtu.be/sQ1yLFIEVNo
