It only took me two weeks to stop loving the man I was supposed to love forever. That sentence couldn’t sound more heartless, but it’s a truth that has so much more to it.
Those first two weeks after my husband left me were the hardest of my life. I sat on the floor in my apartment, alone, depressed, and sobbing. I didn’t see anyone and I didn’t eat. I lost seven pounds which took me a few months to gain back. I wondered how I could possibly stop missing and loving the man who was supposed to be my eternal companion and best friend. I still loved him and I felt so betrayed. During those two weeks I knew I had to pick myself up and move on with life because it definitely didn’t stop there.
Coming out of my depressive state required a lot of committed hard work. I was forced to analyze the man who I’d been married to, my now non-existent marriage, and myself. Throughout this process of analyzation I prayed like crazy, met with my newfound therapist multiple times, attended the temple, read my scriptures, wrote in my journal, focused on gratitude, and listened to all the uplifting and empowering music I could possibly find. I needed to find new strength and independence.
Analyzing everything, I realized how toxic my marriage had been and that the abusive and narcissistic behaviors of my ex husband had resulted in me losing myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had stopped playing the piano and flute. I didn’t have many passions and my dreams were more like distant memories. Realizing I had lost myself was one of the scariest feelings because I didn’t know who I was anymore and I hadn’t ever felt that way before. I always knew who I was, what I wanted, where I wanted to go and do. Comparing what I was then to what I had been, the old Analee was spontaneous, unstoppable, full of dreams, life and passion, and a force to be reckoned with.
It took me realizing who I was, what I loved, what I wanted out of and for my life, what my talents and passions are, and that I still held value for me to stop loving my ex husband. In fact, it led to a lot of resentment and even feelings of hate. I was extremely angry and upset at what he did to me and what I had allowed to happen to myself. And so, it only took me two weeks to stop loving the man I was supposed to love forever. Even though it was unhealthy and probably not right, it was normal for me to channel these feelings into hate for this man.
I started playing the piano again, went on more photoshoots and adventures, started becoming social again, consistently went to the gym, started listening to country music again, and did my hair and makeup in a way that made me feel beautiful. I set new goals and rediscovered what my dreams and ambitions are. I started feeling more alive, active, happy, light, and confident. I loved listening to my country music again and discovered the song “Miss Me More” by Kelsea Ballerini. To this day, listening to this song feels empowering, like I am in charge and taking over my life. No matter what someone else thinks is best or good for me, I know me and will never compromise that again. I missed ME in my marriage more than I could ever miss my ex and I will NEVER let who go of who I am for someone else again. Even though letting myself go was unintentional and honestly something I didn’t realize was even happening at the time, it’s something I know to be vigilant of now because I missed me more.
As the song says …
I forgot I had dreams, I forgot I had wings
Forgot who I was before I ever kissed you
And I thought I’d miss you
But I miss me more”
