You’ve recently heard our big news – I’m pregnant … again! Yes, that makes for three pregnancies in less than three years. To say I’m not ready for another pregnancy is an understatement. Regardless, it’s what God asked and inspired us to do.
Truth is, we had wanted to wait longer, but we felt like we needed to stop preventing. Never in a million years did I think I’d get pregnant the moment we stopped.
If you read my previous blog post, My Lazarus Moment, then you have a glimpse at just how paralyzing the idea was of even thinking about trying to conceive later this year. We have our perfect little miracle rainbow baby, Kimberlee. It’s not that I don’t want more but instead, it is very much that I don’t want to lose more. The grief is overwhelming at times, the trauma lives on, and every time I see another mom who has lost their baby, I am overcome with grief for not only me but also for them.
In my last post I talked about how the Savior knows this all and when I was especially overcome he offered me love and compassion. Little did I know how necessary that would be as later on I would then feel prompted to start trying again, or at least stop preventing.
To be honest, I was in complete denial. I had literally been crying earlier from the weight of everything I’d been feeling to now suddenly being asked to allow for the opportunity to have yet another baby. I kept this to myself for about two weeks. I needed to process it and was hoping that somehow it was in my head. Deep down I knew it wasn’t and so I finally shared my experience with Anthony. I asked him to pray about it and he only confirmed what I’d felt.
I was still nursing, had only menstruated twice since having Kimberlee, and had to get on Clomid to get pregnant with her. I obviously knew there was still a chance I could get pregnant … I just thought it was slimmer.
After having my second period, we stopped preventing. A couple of days later I knew I had ovulated. And so, I “avoided” Anthony for the rest of the week. I told God that if He wanted me pregnant, then He could make it work. Well, folks, He did. He very much did. A couple of weeks later I drove to Walmart, picked up a pregnancy test, took it home, and recorded my reaction.
This video is embarrassing for a lot of reasons. You can see the conflicting emotions I experienced.
Physically, I didn’t feel ready. I still don’t. Also, getting pregnant would mean having babies much closer than I’d ever planned. But, I guess that’s the funny thing about life. You make plans and then life happens. Or you tell God your plans and then He makes you new ones. Either way, the idea of another adorable baby was also exciting.
I am grateful that so far things are right on. I am grateful for the miracle of my body, that God made it work so I could get pregnant again and without intervention. I am anxious. I am overwhelmed. I am scared. I am also just trying to breathe and be grateful.
