I’ve been surprised by the number of people who have asked me, “How did you know that you were going to get divorced?” Truth is, I didn’t … not when it all happened anyway. You have to remember that he left me, this wasn’t a mutual decision or desire. Looking back, all the signs of an impending divorce were in the air, but again, that is me looking back.
In the moments following my ex-husband’s leaving I was overcome with feelings of shock and betrayal. Who wouldn’t? When your spouse up and leaves you, it is overwhelming and in my case, unexpected. I’ve given some details on what happened, but I’m going to share a little more.
You should know this is a longer story … and it only covers the “big stuff”. If you make it to the end, there’s a lot I hope you can learn and gain from me sharing this. For those who don’t care to take the time, I’m not offended, but I do want to stress something.
I have heard so many people say things like:
“We just fell out of love.”
“We grew apart.”
“My spouse isn’t the person I dated.”
“Life got too hard and we couldn’t come back from it.”
“I just can’t trust my spouse anymore.”
And more …
I want to let you in on a little secret … or rather a fact that our society seems to forget and disregard: Marriage is hard.
It’s true. Marriage is hard. It takes effort from both sides. Love … it’s a choice. When you got married you chose your love and you are forever responsible to love your choice. There were countless times I could’ve chosen to stop loving my husband. Believe me, it could’ve been a lot easier and made my heartache much lighter had I chosen to stop loving him. That choice to love honestly probably what kept us together for as long as we were.
If you can save your marriage, then save it. Please, save it. Learn to forgive and let go. Choose to love, forever. I understand there are situations that can be hard to come back from and relationships that need some serious healing. But please trust me when I tell you that death would have been easier than divorce.
I also understand there are extremely abusive and toxic relationships out there. Ultimately, the choice is yours and you have to decide where you draw the line. Remember there is mercy and forgiveness for everyone if they choose to accept it. When life gets tough and your marriage is being attacked, try to remember why you loved your spouse in the first place. Work to increase and improve your love by serving and continuing in selflessness.
When you got married, you promised each other life and/or eternity. With your marriage, you committed to love unconditionally. In fact, you loved that person, flaws, weaknesses, selfish tendencies, strengths, talent, looks, and all. Again, this is your choice, but if the circumstances are appropriate, do not give up on your spouse. Sometimes, we all just need someone to believe in us and if it all comes crashing in then you can find peace in knowing you truly gave your all and best to your marriage.
Now … moving onto my story …
Before we got married I told my ex-husband that I never wanted us to use the “d-word” (divorce) because using it only makes it an option. He agreed to this. We got married and it was a happy, fun, and amazing day as most wedding days are. After returning home from our honeymoon we made a pit stop at my parents for a few days before heading back to Rexburg for work and in a few months, a few more semesters of college.
It was during those couple of days we had our first fight … and it was not pretty. I don’t even remember what happened but I remember with perfect clarity what he said, “I shouldn’t have married you.”
Ouch …
No, more than ouch …
So much hurt … and I locked him out of the room. I didn’t want to be near him or see him. How could he say that? We’d only been married for two weeks and we’d dated for a year by the time we got married. It’s not like this was a “quick” marriage.
Now, if you asked him what happened he would tell you differently because, as I was constantly reminded throughout my marriage, “You have a terrible memory” (*hint* this is emotional abuse). He’d tell you I told him, “Maybe you shouldn’t have married me” and then he confirmed my response … Truth is, we’d never recover from this because any time he was upset with me, we fought, or things didn’t work out the way we expected he would threaten to leave and even threaten divorce.
I can’t tell you how many times I heard that terrible word, but I know that every time I would beg him not to say that. I tried to believe he just said it out of anger … but there were several times he started packing his stuff and tell me he was leaving and going to his parents. This caused me to experience some very severe anxiety (something I’d never experienced before or since my marriage), at which point I would lock myself in the bathroom while I had anxiety attacks and almost passed out.
I know …
It sounds dramatic, but it’s the honest truth. The thing is, when I started experiencing anxiety attacks in these situations he would calm down, find a way to unlock the bathroom door, hold me until I calmed down, and reassured me he wasn’t going to leave. Once I was calm enough, he’d leave to “get some space” and simultaneously call his parents and trash talk me. He’d deny that until the very end … when I finally had my proof, at which point it didn’t even matter.
When we fought, it was like hell. Yes, hell. He was always so quick to anger and would start yelling at me. I would try to stay calm for as long as I could and ask him to please not yell, but it was to no avail. I confess I would eventually yell back, but it wasn’t my instinctual reaction. It wasn’t who I am or what I’d do. I’d need my space, but he wanted to solve it, right then in there … with him yelling at me, blocking me in corners, and even pushing me.
One time, he went as far as to trip me and another he grabbed my arm and I was pretty bruised after that. I would try to fight back and protect myself. I tried to push him out of my way and I even slapped his face a couple of times. Even though I was seeking protection, I am still embarrassed and mortified I ever did that and profusely apologized after. No matter what I was going through or experiencing, that would never be right or okay.
Everything we ever disagreed on or any time I had hurt him because let’s face it, I’m not perfect, would be thrown in my face and never forgiven.
“You need to see a counselor for your anger management.”
“You need medication for your anxiety.”
“You have a terrible memory.”
“Your parents would be so disappointed in you if they saw the way you’re acting right now.”
“If you don’t fix your problems, I’m leaving you.”
“I’m going to file for divorce.”
I can’t tell you how many times I heard these things and they crushed my heart. I felt so much pressure in my chest and constantly inadequate. I would apologize, promise to work harder, to be better, to keep commitments of self-improvement, to call his parents once a week … and the list goes on.
When we were at our worst we started seeing a marriage counselor, and it hurt. It hurt to sit there and hear everything he couldn’t stand about me or struggled with about me as we sat in that office. We would practice communicating and resolving conflict and then pretty much everything would go out the window at home.
Catching a break became impossible … we even fought Christmas Day and while I’m really great at being happy, putting these things to the side, and enjoying the day, he wasn’t. It affected us, my family, and even his family until we resolved it. We then fought a few days later on our anniversary. Towards the end, we were fighting for days straight.
During all this time, I asked if his addictions had resurfaced and I was met with a constant, “No. I promise I would tell you if there was.” He was my husband. What else was I supposed to do but trust him?
The week everything came out we probably had the biggest fight of all. He was in Boise and was supposed to be interviewing for jobs. To this day I’m not sure if that ever happened. He had been gone for three or four days and the day finally arrived for him to return home. I was so excited. I had missed my husband and even though we would fight, I still loved him. The evening he was supposed to return I texted asking if he’d left yet. He responded by telling me he was actually going to come home the next day and not that night. I remember becoming very frustrated and eventually upset. I had been so excited, done my hair and makeup only to find out – after I asked him – that he wasn’t going to come home. Was he even planning on telling me? Was he going to call? Again, I have no idea because we never talked that night.
He went to the temple the next morning and started his drive back to Rexburg. We were still fighting … through text … awful, I know. Once again, he took it upon himself to involve parents, especially my dad. My dad showed me the texts a few days later and I couldn’t believe what he was saying about me. He was telling my dad how he was so fed up with me and didn’t want to stay married to me anymore. He’d married a stranger and my health concerns had become too much for him (a month earlier I was diagnosed with PCOS).
When he got back to Rexburg it was late. I went to bed before he got home. I didn’t want to see him or talk to him. The next afternoon we were finally home at the same time. He started crying, gave a general apology and said, “Let’s work this out after we come back from Utah.” I was so exhausted from the fighting and just wanted to be done, so I agreed.
It’s now January 30th and my sister was returning home from her mission. I was getting ready and he was bugged with me. I asked him for some help determining which side a piece of hair was supposed to lay. “I can’t see,” he said irritatedly. I moved closer. “Uhhh, I think this side?” he questioned. I laughed it off and said, “It’s okay! I’ll just go into the bathroom and figure it out.” When I came back from the bathroom all hell broke loose.
“Don’t ask for my help and then make me feel stupid when I can’t.” I apologized and tried to make it clear that wasn’t what I was trying to communicate at all. It was too late. He was already fuming. I begged him not to let us fight. My sister was coming home and we were supposed to be happy. “Too late,” he said.
I asked him, “Have you been looking at pornography?” As he stormed out of the room he angrily said, “No! How could you even accuse me of that? You know how sensitive that is for me.” I was confused and he came back into the room. I tried to understand what was going on and he told me I could check his history if I didn’t believe him. Frustrated, I walked out of the room. I wanted to trust him, but something drove me back in and requested to check his history.
It was a Thursday and I scrolled back in his history and I reach Sunday’s history … there was listed site after site after site. I read it all out loud (things I will not repeat here) and his immediate reaction? Denial. Needless to say, this was devastating. It took everything in me not to slap him. Instead, I shrieked and ran upstairs to my dad (the only one home at the moment) sobbing and telling him what happened. I was shattered. I didn’t think I could feel any worse. No wonder counseling wasn’t working, no one had the full picture of what was going on. I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t even sorry.
There was more that would take pages, but you get the idea. That night I got half an apology and because he was embarrassed, he went back to Rexburg the following morning, where his parents and sister were visiting. I couldn’t sleep at night. All I could do was cry. What was going to happen? How would we come back from months of this? How was I ever going to be enough? Did I have to stay married? Couldn’t we just end things?
Saturday my brother Chad went through the temple to receive his endowments. As a family, we went and while I was there I was praying so hard. I told God that I loved my ex-husband, but that I didn’t know I could make it through this. I told God about all my hurt and pain. I made sure He knew I took my marriage covenants seriously and that if He told me to stay, I would, but I really didn’t want to. While I was praying, I heard the words, “Just hold on a little longer.” I asked, “Are you sure?” The words, “Thy will be done” entered my mind. I said, “Okay. I’ll hold on and fight until he leaves or we come back from this.”
https://youtu.be/PAmh3yvmzXs
This was the song I held onto during this time.
That night my ex-husband called telling me he’d prayed and felt that while we both have important missions to fulfill in this life, we weren’t supposed to do that together. What followed is of little consequence. I prayed like I never had before. I tried to help him remember I still loved him. I continued to fight for us and I gave him the space he asked for. I spent a few nights at a friend’s place … something I’ve wondered whether or not was right, that maybe instead I should’ve gone back home to fight more in-person. When it came down to it, I didn’t feel safe and he needed to make his decision.
A week from January 30th I was standing in Walgreens to buy some face wash when I received a text that would change my life forever: “I’m leaving you …” There was more, but that’s all that matters right now. Abandonment, darkness, and everything in between took on a whole new meaning. He was gone and I would never see him again.
You see, looking back, I could’ve seen it coming. As a person that is so dedicated to and loyal in my relationships, especially one of marriage, I don’t believe my mind ever believed it possible. So how did I know? I really didn’t. I never knew, not until he was gone.
I am not perfect. I didn’t live perfectly in marriage. I was not a perfect wife. I made plenty of mistakes, but I did a lot right, and the thing I did the most right was not giving up on my marriage. The best choice I made was to love my choice until he wasn’t mine to love anymore. The best choice I made was to believe in the abilities of my spouse, marriage, and covenants until they ended. Ultimately, I have no regrets because I fought. I fought long and hard for my marriage and I find peace in that.
You may fight for your marriage as I did, and it may end anyway, as mine did. Or, you may fight for your marriage as I did, but it won’t end. You both may very well remember why you fell in love in the first place and why you committed to fighting for each other for the rest of forever. The only way to know if your marriage is going to end is if that’s what you’ve already chosen. Otherwise, like me, you don’t know.
How did I know? I didn’t. Why? Because I never let it be a possibility in my mind. I fought to the bitter end and with time, found peace in that.
