Dear Girl,
You don’t know me and we’ve never met, but I am “Casey’s” ex-wife (name changed). I know nothing about you or your relationship and honestly, I never thought I’d hear about one of his girlfriends. I always thought I’d learn about one of his relationships when he was about to get married because his bishop would reach out to me and let me know he is looking to get married again. I’d be asked if I have anything to say about it … and well, this is currently not the case, but I can’t remain silent. I hope that by telling you these things earlier on in your relationship, you can escape greater pain likely to come from leaving a relationship with an unchanged “Casey”.
I have taken a lot of time to think and pray about what to say. I’ve wondered whether or not you’ll believe me. There are some really important things you need to know. Ultimately, the choice is yours, but you need to know. Woman-to-woman, I’d want to know. Truly. It’s going to be hard to read and you probably won’t believe me, at first. “Casey” will probably even tell you what a liar I am if you show him or tell him about this message. I am sure he has told you millions of things I did wrong in our marriage. PLEASE push all that aside and read what I have to say.
When I first met “Casey” and learned about his struggles with addiction, I felt so strongly he could overcome them. I fought for him and fought with him against pornography. I believe in change! I believe in the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I believed I could help “Casey” and I bought a book called “We Will End the Conflict Now” for us to read and study. I even made audio recordings of it for him to listen to while at work. We worked towards a temple sealing and I hoped for the best as we embarked on what would be our eternal journey.
I am going to apologize now for this being long. There is A LOT here and I need you to believe me, for your sake. I want you to know this comes from a place of sincere caring for you and your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. This is not to get revenge or be vindictive. I’m not like that. I have forgiven “Casey”, but my forgiveness can’t change the past or what reality will most likely be for you. And so, here it goes…
In efforts to try to keep this short lol I am going to tell it to you straight. If you have any questions whatsoever, please don’t hesitate to ask.
Manipulators and emotional abusers come in all shapes and sizes. The problem is when you first meet, these people are often charming, complimentary, supportive, and sweet. Eventually, though, the truth comes out. That’s what happened to me. “Casey” was all those things … although there were some flags during dating, I chose to ignore them …
During our marriage, I suffered from mental, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse from a master narcissist. “Casey” called me all kinds of names during fights. When we fought, I was always yelled at. I got blocked into corners, pushed, and even tripped. The problem was almost always me and I would be given a long list of things I needed to change so our marriage would work. I am not a perfect person. I am more than willing to admit that. When I was yelled at did I eventually yell back? Yes. When I was blocked or pushed did I ever retaliate? Eventually, yes. “Casey” can probably tell you I smacked him so hard once it gave him a headache. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. I apologized profusely, but I also ask, at what point does this become self-defense? Because what he can’t tell you is how I felt at that moment. I felt SO small and I was scared, scared he would hurt me. I never felt smaller than I did in our marriage. I didn’t know who I was anymore and after the divorce, I spent several months going to therapy and rediscovering myself because by that point I was lost.
I suffered much at the hand of my abuser, “Casey”. These are the top 10 signs of just emotional abuse and I will use them to help me write this.
1) Says things to upset or frighten you.
When we would fight, “Casey” would tell me how disappointed my dad would be in me if he saw or heard me right then. He would threaten divorce and so much more. He actually went as far as calling his parents and even my own father whenever we got in fights to essentially “tattle-tale” on me. I believe in being private about marital problems and any marriage book you read or talk you listen to will agree that you should not be involving anyone’s parents. Well, the involvement led to a few intervention meetings with both our parents. It was messed up.
2) Controls the finances and how much money you spend.
Everything had to be even. If I bought something, even if it was a need, like new clothes, he had to purchase something of equal value, just because I spent that money. If I wanted something, I often went without. If he wanted something, we almost always bought it.
3) Swears at you or calls you names.
I got called all the names – liar, bitch, idiot, stupid etc. Was I perfect at this? No. I definitely called him a jerk and I vividly remember telling him to go to hell a few times towards the end of our marriage. I can’t justify it. I can explain my why, but it doesn’t make it right.
4) Orders you around and treats you like a servant.
I can count on my hands the number of times “Casey” lifted a finger to help. He never cleaned our apartment and once in a blue moon he would do the dishes, make dinner if he was feeling really inspired, and I can’t remember him doing the laundry. I did it all.
5) Is intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
I was constantly accused of not showing him respect. Looking back on it, this was one area he was right about. I actually listened to a talk called Love and Respect and this was how I learned that I lacked respect for him. I couldn’t bring myself to truly respect someone so mean and narcissistic. For men, respect is to them what love is to us women. I never understood that, but I tried to love him in the ways I knew how. I tried to give him real love and even in the moments it felt impossible to keep loving him, I did.
6) Uses guilt trips or shaming to get his or her way.
With “Casey”, the past never could stay in the past. He held everything against me and because of my imperfections they would always be held over my head. I eventually came to realize that he just needed to forgive me. Unfortunately, that never came.
7) Sulks and refuses to talk about an issue.
This one is interesting because yes he would sulk and refused to talk about an issue, but just his issues. He didn’t have a problem talking about mine. I mean, I was THE problem! How could we talk about anything else? Like his extremely serious porn addiction?
8) Makes a big scene about small issues.
My most prominent memory of this was in my parents’ basement the day my sister was coming home from her mission. I was getting ready and “Casey” was still in bed. I went into the room and I could feel a piece of hair was off. I asked him if he could tell me which side it should be on. He took the strand of hair, switched off between the two sides and then said, “I think it’s this side.” I just giggled and said, “It’s okay! I’ll just go double-check.” When I came back from the bathroom he BLEW UP at me and told me not to ask him to do something if I was just going to make him feel like an idiot. I was shocked! I tried reminding him what I’d said and how I just laughed it off, but no. Apparently, I made him feel like the world’s greatest idiot.
9) Threatens infidelity or divorce to throw you off balance.
He threatened divorce with every fight. I remember one night in particular that we were fighting. I locked myself in the bathroom and was hyperventilating. I was having an anxiety attack. I had absolutely no history of anxiety or depression, but there I was, suddenly ready to pass out because I couldn’t get a hold of my breathing. Heck, my husband had packed up his stuff and was ready to walk out the door. He was going to leave me and go to his parents’.
10) Accuses you of lying or having a bad memory.
In our marriage, I was constantly told what a terrible memory I have. I never could remember anything that happened between us right. Only after he left me I realized what an amazing memory I actually have and have always had. But you see, it’s just a sign of abuse.
I never asked for much in our marriage. I only ever asked for honesty and to be made a priority. I told him that it should be God, me, and then his family. I never did get either. In a text, before he left me he said, “I will never put you before my family.”
Speaking of text, has he mentioned that he left me through a text? And he later told me in a phone call that night that it would’ve been too hard if he’d done it in person. Last I checked, it should be hard to leave your spouse. In the text, he told me, “Analee, I am leaving you. After much fasting and prayer and in consultation with a clinical PhD my family trusts, I came to understand that we have irreconcilable differences. I have secured ½ of our savings to another location to ensure my financial needs are met. You may continue to use my car for now. I will not be living in our apartment. I will contact you with more details in a week. Until then, I will not be communicating with you. ‘Casey’”
When I finally discovered the ongoing secret of his return to pornography on his phone history, he denied it. He tried telling me it wasn’t him – as if it could be anyone else! I read URLs to him. I had finally caught him. I checked in with him several times a month through our whole marriage. I gave him so many easy opportunities to tell the truth, but he never did. He never could apologize either. Regardless, I was ready to fight for my marriage. I talked to the bishop and met with him a few times before “Casey” actually left. After talking, my bishop told me that he had a feeling “Casey” had been lying to him and that after talking with me, now he knew. I am NOT making this up. Why would I? What do I have to gain? I have everything I could ever want: a husband who loves me and whom I love and adore dearly and a perfect daughter in heaven.
In the end, he still hasn’t apologized for anything. Do I need an apology? No. Giving me a serious apology for ALL OF THIS would be a sign that he has or is changing, that he can finally own up to his wrongs and very serious character flaws. Until then, I can’t support anything he does because it’s at the expense of another girl.
His parents, mom specifically, blamed me for his rebound. She said that my “unkindness towards “Casey” is what made him go back.” Marrying “Casey”, I learned, was a package deal. I was also apparently marrying his mom. At the end when “Casey” prayed about whether or not to leave me, his mom also “prayed” about it and they BOTH felt it was the right decision. Funny thing is, no one’s mom can receive revelation for a marriage that’s not their own.
Girl (insert your name if you’re her), if this is serious enough that you get married and “Casey” rebounds, NO ONE will have your back. You will be made the enemy. “Casey” was so incredibly good at lying that even my own father thought I was crazy. But, in my parents’ basement the day after I found the pornography, my dad cried and, in front of “Casey”, apologized to ME that he didn’t believe me and that he believed “Casey”.
My point? At some point, sooner or later, “Casey’s” true self will come out and when it does, you will NEVER be the same. “Casey’s” parents’ true self will come out too because they will do ANYTHING to save face and give the appearance of perfection at the expense of others.
Girl (insert your name if you’re her), PLEASE don’t let yourself get lost in his charm. I don’t want you to hurt and suffer in the ways I did. I wish I had someone to warn me and tell me to run in the other direction. In the end, it did make me stronger and I have married the BEST man now. We never yell and always say, “I love you.” I feel so safe and he makes me better. We don’t call each other names and he treats me like a queen. He’s always doing the dishes, making the bed, and helping with laundry. We communicate well and effectively and are always seeking ways to improve our relationship. We pray together every night and study from the scriptures. You won’t get this with “Casey”. Believe me, I tried.
If you choose to stay in the relationship, you will be in my prayers. I will pray that your marriage will be the exact opposite, for your sake.
Again, I’m sorry this is so long. There was so much in that year of marriage I learned about him and myself and this just scratches the surface. Let me know if you have any questions. Follow the Spirit. He will be your guide. You can even pray to know if I’m telling the truth. Don’t let “Casey” lie to you, because he will. He did to me, even from the time we were dating. Stay true to yourself. Stay true to God.
Best, Analee
