Mrs. to Miss: Being Single Again

Being single again was definitely not on my agenda or list of life accomplishments, but here I am … and I’m as single as ever. If I had written this even just a couple of months ago, my perspective on being single and reentering the dating world would have been entirely different. I would have told you how much I hated it and that dating is probably the worst possible form of torture there is. While it’s not exactly “comfortable”, I have actually really been enjoying myself.

When my divorce was still fresh, the idea of having to start all over was daunting. I felt like I was going fishing … which can be terribly boring as you wait and wait and wait for a fish to bite. Once it bites, it’s too small to keep, so you have to throw it back in the water. You wait until a bigger one comes along, or you give up hope by the end of the day.

On the other hand … fishing can be fun if you have a positive attitude and are with the right people. If you do it right, you may catch a few you have to throw back in, but at some point, you’ll catch a great one, one you’ll get to keep forever.

My biggest fear when I realized I was going to have to start dating again was that I would have to tell guys I’m divorced. Let’s be real here, divorce is a big scary word and is a big fear for a lot of people. If you don’t know me and my story, it could definitely be a turnoff. More than that, I had been told by a divorced friend that she had guys tell her they wouldn’t date her because she “wasn’t a virgin”. Shallow much? Regardless, this terrified me. I thought, “Will men really not give me a chance because of this? Even though it was within the confines of marriage?”

Whenever I would voice my fear people would say, “If that’s what someone thinks, then you don’t want to be with them anyway.” While this is true, I’ve never found it comforting …

Recently, while chatting with a friend, she asked me what she can do to be happy as a single lady again. Here’s what I told her:

“Being truly happy as a single lady took me some time. I had to learn to really love myself again. I don’t know where you’re at with that, but I did not love myself after everything. I didn’t even know who I was anymore because I’d lost myself. I bought a journal and wrote down traits about myself that I knew were true — positive and negative. I wrote down dreams and set some goals for myself. So that’s something that I recommend. It helps you find yourself and remember who you are.

It was quite a process for me. I’ve been all over the place. I was pursuing the medical field for a hot minute and thought about pursuing a serious career. I was planning on being single for a long while. I knew my priorities and desires though, and that’s ultimately to be a wife and mom. I decided to leave room in my future for that. I also had to realize again what it was I wanted to do. I decided that photography is what I still want to do full time. It’s still my number one passion. I chose that and everything fell into place. I got a job that works better with a photographer’s schedule as I’m building my business.

Point is, for me it was a process, loving myself and rediscovering myself and my passions. It can take time and it’s okay to take that time. Make yourself a priority. In fact, after God, make yourself your number one priority. YOU matter and you have needs. Listen to that. Be happy with yourself and the amazing person you are, and being single is easier. You feel more confident as a person, so that transfers to feeling more confident and secure as a single person.

Every day I’ve had to choose happiness, even the days I felt anything but that and eventually, I believed it. It was all part of me deciding the type of person I want to be. Everywhere I go, I want people to think, “she is so happy all of the time.” And I want that to be true. It’s all a very conscious process, at least for me it was.

I hope this makes sense and helps. It’s a journey, and it’s a difficult but beautiful one. Take the time you need. Don’t let anyone rush you. You are an amazing and beautiful soul and it will take you far ”