I recently said something I never thought in my wildest dreams I’d ever say. I won’t make you guess because you never will. I actually counseled someone to get a divorce.
Yes, you read that right. Still need me to repeat it?
I counseled someone to get a divorce.
The “D” Word
Those of you who’ve followed my journey know what my stance is on the “d-word.” No, it’s not “damn”. 😉 In marriage the “d-word” is divorce. It’s an ugly word, it’s a hard word and it’s extremely difficult to experience. Divorce is not something I would wish on my worst enemy because of the emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical toll it takes on a person.
You know something though? Life teaches us lessons and I believe my life has taught me a lot.
When it came to my divorce I believe I did what was right for me. I fought to the bitter end for my marriage. Nothing truly came from that (in that marriage anyway) other than my ability to say I never gave up and I never stopped trying.
A Paradigm Shift
Since being remarried, you could say I’ve experienced what’s called a paradigm shift. Essentially, I’ve learned some things about relationships and divorce which have expanded my views and understanding of the matter. What caused this shift? My marriage.
My marriage to Anthony has been a God-send. We are by no means perfect, but we have “real love”. Our love is unconditional and unwavering. Our relationship is healthy and strong. Being married to Anthony I have learned what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
People say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I’d say it really shouldn’t be that hard. Yes, you’re figuring each other out, but that should be fun! Yes, life is stressful, but you shouldn’t be taking your stress out on each other. The hardest part about the first year of marriage really is just figuring out life together, especially finances, but it’s not “hard” in the way people make it sound. At least, it shouldn’t be. If it is, then I’d recommend studying some of the books I recommend in a blog post I wrote: Nurturing Your Marriage: Resources to Strengthen Yours.
During the ten months I’ve been married to Anthony we’ve had an added hardship that would destroy most couples: we lost our baby girl. And yet, through it all, we’ve grown closer and our marriage is even stronger.
My point? I have learned what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like. With this newly gained perspective, I have realized that if my now-self could have gone to my past-self, I would have told myself to leave my ex-husband long before he ever did. When you’re in a toxic and abusive relationship it’s hard to see it because you are in it. You feel like a piece of crap all of the time and doubt everything about yourself. It’s hard to make the “why” connection until you’re out of it and have experienced a healthy relationship.
The Cost of Staying
In previous blog posts, I have shared my thoughts on divorce and my belief to fight for your marriage. I have acknowledged there are relationships that must burn to the ground and it’s crucial those individuals get out. I have made it clear this is not a decision that should be made lightly, but when a building is burning to the point of no return, you flee and get as far away as you can.
I realized all this when I was introduced to someone whose marriage was on fire and it was time to leave. I could see it clear as day. We talked, I answered questions, and when my advice was asked for, I told her she should leave.
When you are a victim of narcissism or abuse, whether that’s emotional, verbal, physical, mental, sexual, domestic, or all the above, you need to get out. It is so hard to see when you are in the relationship, especially the more subtle kinds like emotional or mental abuse. Of course, everyone deserves a second chance, and who doesn’t want the perfect fairytale marriage?
The real question is, “At what cost will you be staying?”
If you are a victim of domestic violence, the cost of you staying will be you getting beat up every day or however, often your abuser sees fit. Victims of abuse pay the price of anxiety, depression, lack of self-worth, giving up hobbies, favorite music, and more as they are forced to fit the mold their spouse is making for them.
It is rare a person gets married thinking, “Someday, I’m going to divorce you.” Divorce isn’t exactly something you plan. It is something you prevent, but it takes two people and if only one of you is fighting and trying to make things work, there is a point you call it quits. You don’t call it quits because he/she isn’t doing X, Y, or Z. You don’t call it quits because they’re “not who you thought they were.” You call it quits when the very essence of you and who you are have become the cost of your marriage.
A Fault of Believers
Growing up as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I can say a fault we have is that we have it set in our minds that divorce is not an option. We get married not just for time but for eternity. For us, marriage is eternal. This kind of thinking does stop us from being willing to leave a marriage where we’ve become the price.
I’m not saying eternal marriages aren’t good, because they are so good. I’m so grateful I have an eternal marriage and I know that a happy, eternal marriage is very possible. I am saying that we place ourselves in danger when we don’t believe an eternal marriage could possibly go south. Any two righteous people can make a marriage work, right? In some marriages though, one or sometimes both of those people are no longer righteous and it’s time to get out.
If you were in a business partnership that you and your partner started up, you’d both invest 50/50 and continue to do so because it’s in the best interest of your business. Well, what if eventually, your partner decided he/she didn’t need to invest anymore? What if now you must invest 60/40, then 80/20, and eventually 100/0? You have now become the entire cost and it was done so gradually, you almost didn’t notice. You are now paying the price. The only way out is to leave.
Some marriages become the same way. It’s devastating and sadly becoming a norm. I dated my ex for a year and we were married for barely a year. I did not leave, but I like to believe I eventually would have had the courage to leave a marriage where I was the price. You can, perhaps, be better than me. See the signs. Accept them for what they are. Do not be ashamed if it’s been as little as a few months or as long as 30 years. What is important is you.
Conclusion
I recently said something I never thought in my wildest dreams I’d ever say… But when you and everything you are has become the price of your marriage surviving versus thriving, it’s okay to leave. You don’t make it an option until it’s the only option, because you do fight, but when you’ve clearly lost the fight. Leave.
I counseled someone to get a divorce, and you know what? Sometimes, that’s the price of saving yourself.
